maggody.com

The World of Maggody

According to
Ruby Bee Hanks


At the bottom of this page you'll find a detailed map of Maggody, Arkansas. But first, here's a few pieces of interesting information about the place.

1. According to Ruby Bee Hanks, Maggody, Arkansas was founded back in 1900 by a man named Zebulon "Maggot" Buchanon. He had to leave Tennessee with his family, one step ahead of the sheriff due to a stolen mule. Pretty soon his kinfolk started moving in and scratching a living off the land. Within 20 years, there were more Buchanons in the area than seed ticks in a blackberry bramble. Zebulon died in 1933, after lighting his corncob pipe too close to his moonshine still.

2. Jim Bob Buchanon's been the mayor of Maggody for as long as most folks can recollect. His wife, Mrs. Jim Bob Buchanon, aka Sister Barbara Ann, is the president of the Missionary Society at the Assembly Hall. They live in what she's forever insisting is the fanciest house in Maggody, and it goes without saying she drives the biggest, most expensive car. She makes Jim Bob buy her a new car every time she catches him fooling around with some woman out at the Pot O'Gold Mobile Home Park, which is not infrequent...

3. Kevin and Dahlia Buchanon are the proud new parents of a set of twins, Kevvie Junior and Rose Marie, both as cute as they can be. Kevin, who can't outwit a possum, works at Jim Bob Buchanon's Supersaver Buy 4 Less. Dahlia is hardly ever seen without a Twinkie in one hand and a bottle of soda pop in the other, which accounts for her 300-plus pounds. Maybe chasing after toddlers will help.

4. Raz Buchanon is our most notorious resident. He's got whiskers, a pot belly, and chews tobacco. He's also got a moonshine operation up on the ridge, which drives Arly crazier than the doodlebug. He dotes on his pedigreed sow, Marjorie, and lets her ride in the cab of his pickup truck wherever they go.

5. Cotter's Ridge was named after Cooter Cotter, a shiftless peckerwood that managed to get a fourteen-year-old girl in the family way. When her brothers found out, they hanged ol' Cooter from a walnut tree at the top of the ridge. Some say that on nights when the moon is full and the wind is still, you can hear a voice whimpering for mercy.

6. The Maggody police department is in the little red brick building catty-corner from Roy Stiver's Antiques & Collectibles. The chief of police happens to be my very own daughter, Ariel Hanks. Anyway, Arly, as we call her, came slinking back home from New York City after her marriage to a hot-shot advertising fellow crumbled like a chunk of stale pound cake. She lives in a crampy apartment above Roy's store, and spends an awful lot of time moaning about how nothing's happened here since Hiram Buchanon's barn burned and a cheerleader was caught skedaddling across the pasture, panties in hand.

7. Estelle Oppers, the redheaded version of the Queen of Mascara, Tammy Faye Bakker, is the owner of Estelle's Hair Fantasies, which is basically her living room. She has a beehive of red hair that wobbles in the wind and a fondness for odd-colored lipsticks like "Pumpkin Pizzazz" and "Tequila Sunset." Thirty years ago she was a singer in a nightclub down in Little Rock. That's all she'll say, but I for one believe that some traveling salesman broke her heart.

8. Purtle's Esso, out at the north end of town, used to be the gathering place for the menfolk of Maggody. Purtle had a sofa out front where they could sit, swap lies, and watch Purtle's little, skinny wife pump gas and change flats all day long. Nobody knows how the fire started, but the explosion could be heard all the way in Emmet.

9. Ruby Bee's Bar & Grill, named after yours truly, Rubella Belinda Hanks, was built by the WPA back in the 1930s, when some bureaucrat down in Little Rock decided to do some logging up on Cotter's Ridge. The buildings out back, now the Flamingo Motel, were added so the bosses had a nice place to live. Later, Seezer Buchanon's grandpappy ran it as a house of ill repute. The sheriff had to close it down after his wife learned he was a regular customer. Today you can get blue plate specials and the best pecan pie west of the Mississippi.

10. As the preacher at the Voice of the Almighty Lord Assembly Hall, Brother Verber is always on the lookout for ways to battle the evil forces of Satan--all while taking a mighty keen interest in perversions and naked women. He even wrote a hymn about sins, which he claims can be sung to the tune of the theme from "Gilligan's Island":


"The Alphabet Sins"
Atheism, bestiality, cunnilingus, drive-in movies,
evolution and excessive body hair,
fornication, gluttony, hedonism, immodesty,
jealousy, and killin' with a pear..."

There are several verses, but you get the idea...

11. The Wockermann place on County 102 is of interest. When Adele moved to the old folks home, she rented it to a crazy woman named Madam Celeste who got the whole town stirred up like a hornet's nest with her psychic readings. Most recently it was owned by a woman who belonged to a militia group. In case you're wondering, Adele ran off to Mexico with Merle Hardcock. Nobody's seen hide nor hair of them since.

 

 

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